My life changed literally overnight. I’d been sick for a long time but was still able to function most of the time by working, volunteering at church several times a week, hiking, kayaking, having friends over for dinner and living a somewhat normal life. Then suddenly I was unable to walk without help, unable to sit up for extended periods of time, unable to drive, and living with such high pain and horrific symptoms that I couldn’t really leave the house.

One of the hardest parts of that change was losing my community, my social life, my church family, my friends. I had a few visitors early on, but for the most part, outside interactions just stopped.

My people – my friends of many years, my church family, even my extended family – just disappeared.

I wouldn’t say I had expectations of their involvement, but I am an extrovert – I get energized by engaging with people. So not having regular interaction with people outside my home hurt. A lot.

Truth be told, I was bitter and resentful about that for several years. I’m not anymore, but my heart still hurts sometimes. Especially when someone makes a snippy comment about me not coming to church anymore.

I have to remind myself that the comment comes from both love and ignorance. Maybe they don’t realize how sick I’ve been, how sick I still am. I’m certain they don’t realize how much I missed them and how sad I was that they didn’t come see me, that they didn’t even bother to call.

But the thing that gets to me the most is that my family – my caretakers, my husband and kids – needed help. And the people who had been so involved in our lives for years were not there for them.

When I became disabled – when I couldn’t go to church every Sunday or invite people to dinner – the people we had once been closed to just dissappeared.

No one came to help.

Forgiveness is important. But it doesn’t always wipe away hurt. Forgiveness can be healing, but it isn’t as simple as just forgetting that you’ve been hurt.

It’s something I’ve worked to understand and implement better in recent years. But it’s also something that is used against us in our society and in the Christian community in a way that is neither loving nor fair.

I want to talk more about forgiveness in another post. But for now, I want to talk about help when you become disabled.

If you’re a family member or friend of someone who is sick, this is not intended for you but feel encouraged to reach out to your loved one and let them know you want to be there for them. That alone will go a long way to help them feel not so alone.

I didn’t expect to stay sick for long – I truly thought I would go to a doctor, get a pill and be back to my old self in no time. In the meantime, my life was too much to handle in the state I was in. (Honestly, 10 years later, it still is.)

Help is important – sometimes it’s necessary. And it’s really hard to ask for – especially when you don’t have people knocking on your door asking what they can do.

So how do you ask when you feel like no one wants to help?

Start by recognizing that people outside your home really have no idea how hard it is for you. We get caught up in our own lives and too often, we just miss the subtle cues.

When someone asks how you’re doing, don’t give a canned “I’m ok” answer. Tell them the truth! “I’m really not doing well!” Get into the details. And let them know how hard it is on the people that live with you.

And who do you ask?

1. The People in Your Home.
   • Start with honest conversations with people who live in your home. Recognize the burden they have of not only taking over the things you used to do, but also now caring for you as well. They love you – they’ll do what they need to do. But they need to also take care of their own emotions and health in the process.
   • Talk openly about what you – and they – are not reasonably able to do. Make lists of what needs to be done and talk realistically about what may not get done. (It’s ok for some things to fall of your collective plate!) Be sure to include the emotional needs of the all individuals in the home – some might need more attention than others.
2. Local Friends & Family
   • Reach out to people who used to come around more often. It’s possible they may not really grasp how sick you are or how much you miss them. They might even think you are avoiding them. Be honest, be real – let them know what you need – help with the house, help with grocery shopping, take kids to school, or even just come and sit with you.
3. Church
   • If you’re involved in a church, ask the pastor(s) to come visit you and your family. Let him/them know how sick you are and how the church can help. Making meals (as thoughtful as that is for someone who has a temporary sickness) doesn’t cut it when you have a serious, long term illness – especially when you have an extremely restrictive diet. So be clear that you and your family have specific needs. (See #4)
4. Hire Help
   • If you can, make a list of chores that can be hired out. Chances are that finances are tight – you’ve likely had to reduced your family income and are spending cash out of pocket on treatments – so hiring help may not be possible. But if it is, do it.
   • Consider IHSS help. If you’re income is low, you may be able to hire people to help with cleaning & care. Don’t be too proud to get this help! You need it.
   • There may be someone in the church who is out of work or needs to make a little extra cash. Consider hiring someone for a few hours a week.
5. Social Media
   • Be careful who you ask, but make a post (limit visibility to friends or specific people) letting people know your situation and that your family could use help. You might be surprised who shows up!
   • One time, I shared a post asking for help on FB with something – someone came that I didn’t expect. She was awesome and it blessed my heart to get to know her a little better.

A couple of thoughts about asking for help:

• You may find certain people who used to be close are not willing or able to help. Be ok with that. You don’t have the energy to cry over people who can’t be there for you. Recognize they can’t and move on.
• Be suspicious of people you don’t know coming into your home. Whether it’s someone you hire or an acquaintance who reaches out wanting to help, if you don’t know them well, take the time to research them a little. Check their social media, ask around, write down their information or send it to someone you trust. Don’t let a stranger come into your home when you’re alone.
• It’s ok to have a pity party just don’t unpack and live there. This applies to so much. And it’s really important. Recognize any emotions you have – whether it’s sadness that someone who used to be a close friend is suddenly ghosting you, or just realizing how much you can’t do – feel it, and let it go. Holding onto negative emotions like resentment, abandonment, loneliness, etc doesn’t serve your healing journey.