It’s been a while since I’ve had to use a cane or wheelchair. But yesterday I found myself with back spasms that had me in need of assistance. And of course, it was a stark reminder that I’m still sick.

Some days, I have so much hope that I am getting well. Pain levels will be low, energy will seem high – and so I will get up and try to do things around the house, go to bible study, maybe some shopping – only to find that I’ve overdone it again and I end up back in bed.

The last couple days, my symptoms have been front and center, leaving me with the realization that while I am improving, I still have a ways to go. Leaving me with the realization that yes, I am still sick.

It’s hard to explain to people what this illness is like. I hope people will read my blog and try to understand…but when they see me out and about with my hair curled and make up done, the looks I get scream clearly that people don’t understand. 

How could they understand? They see me looking well. I seem to have energy. I seem to have ability. So I must be doing better right? 

Heck, sometimes even I think I’m doing better! But the reality is that this disease is still covering every inch of my body. It’s still active. It’s still wreaking havoc. I’m still sick. 

It’s almost embarrassing to say that. I’m still sick. It’s definitely discouraging to say it. I’m still sick. It’s deeply heartbreaking to say it. I’m still sick.

I wish it wasn’t true. I would love to be back at work, kayaking, hiking, even just playing frisbee in the back yard or gardening or deep cleaning my house. Anything but sitting here in pain because, yep, I’m still sick. 

Don’t get me wrong – I have hope. It can be hard to cling to some days. But it’s still there. I am improving and I believe I will be well one day. 

But for now, I’m still sick. So please bear with me if you don’t see me at church or if I leave bible study early. I’m not avoiding people and I wish I could stay. 

But – I’m still sick.