Fore-Warning: This is an honest and slightly morbid discussion about death. If this topic is uncomfortable for you, stop reading now. I get real here and I know it can be hard to discuss.

So we never talk about it. It’s scary to talk about it. It’s sad to talk about it. But we need to talk about it.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not depressed. The last few weeks have been daunting. I have been largely bed ridden – not even setting foot outside my bedroom door for several days. 

I’ve had severe head and neck pain, muscle pain, nausea and vomiting. I can feel the blood pulsing through my body with so much intensity it hurts. 

I laid in bed at 2am the other night holding my husbands hand and crying, no, moaning, from the pain and nausea. I hadn’t really slept or eaten in days and I was exhausted and just plain weak. And I thought wow, this guy (my husband), this amazing man, is here with me. I mean really HERE with me. He is awake when I’m awake – he hooks up my IVs and does everything he can to get food and meds into my system. He massages my neck trying to relieve the pain. He rubs my toes, well actually just a spot between the 2nd and 3rd toe. It helps with nausea – sounds silly but when you’ve exhausted all options you’ll try anything and that actually helps a lot. Google it. 

People who are this sick can’t help but contemplate death. It is hard to see a future. It’s hard to believe there will be life without pain and sickness. 

There are many stories of Lymies who have committed suicide. I understand their suffering. I understand their depression. But I think there is more to it than that. 

I have champions in my life who fight for me. My husband, my kids, even my dogs – they are so in this with me – every day.  Their love gives me strength to endure. Their love gives me courage. 

But I still have moments when I think I may not make it through this sickness. It’s scary and it feels impossible.

If you suffer from Lyme or other chronic disease, you need someone to talk to, someone to help you get through the day and past the thought of death, I encourage you to talk to a friend or family member, get a counselor or go to a church and ask to talk to a pastor or a member of the congregation – just find someone. 

And if you can’t find someone, message me. I’ll be here for you.

Death is real. Death is scary. But we can’t let it control our lives. It will come when it comes, whether we are prepared or not. 

Don’t live in fear of death. Find any scrap of hope and hold onto it for dear life (pun intended). 

We can get through this – together.

#lymesucks