Embarrassed.

Humiliated.

Frustrated.

Angry.

Heartbroken.

Alone.

The feelings that come with being chronically sick are not easy. In fact, they’re often so overwhelming that it can be impossible to get well.

Today has been both physically and emotionally challenging. We are traveling and everywhere we go, there is chaos – too many people, too much noise, just too much.

The first flight of the day brought a pressure change so significant that both my husband and I felt it in our muscles and joints. The right side of my head, face, and jaw felt as if they were being crushed. The pain was so intense that I cried and moaned – and of course, eventually realized everyone around me could see and hear me.

Having my worst moments on display in front of 100 people is simply embarrassing. Experiencing sickness and pain in a public setting causes you to see it from an outside perspective. It’s not pretty. People don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to help. They don’t know what to say. So they just sit quietly and ignore the whole thing.

And me – I don’t apologize, I don’t explain, I block them out while it’s going on and after the fact I pretend nothing happened.

In an eerie way, it stays with me. I feel their presence as though the whole world was watching my deepest darkest feelings being laid out before them.