I hate being sick. Hate it. It’s impossibly hard most days. I cry. I get mad. I feel hopeless at times.

It’s ok to have a pity party just don’t unpack and live there!

But I choose how to live with this sickness. I choose love. I choose joy.

Yes – it’s a choice. Every single day.

I wake up in pain. When my feet hit the floor, I feel like I’m stepping on long shooting needles. The tops of my feet burn as if a blow torch is being swept back and forth across them. Neck and head pain, low back pain, stabbing ice picks, bone pain, rashes, digestive chaos, tight scratchy throat, air hunger, tachycardia, word finding difficulty – the list goes on and on and on.

My doctor said two things last week that sent my emotions spiraling:

1. You will never be able to work again.
2. You are a true survivor.

There is both relief and sadness in those statements. I want to work. I miss it. But that statement also gives me permission to relax. It took years for me to even consider the thought that I may not return to work. Now I know it – but it’s good to hear someone else acknowledge it.

The word survivor sometimes disturbs me. Survivor means I didn’t die – others did. (Yes, Lyme kills). Many survivors live with guilt – why did I make it when someone else did not?

We owe it to those who did not survive to live life well.

Surviving is a stepping stone – an ongoing one. And I want to do more than just survive. I want to thrive. I want to live loud and make a difference in our world.

No matter how I feel on any given day – I am alive, I choose joy. Even when I have to fight for it.

Philippijoy is the name I’ve chosen to represent myself.

The book of Philippians was written by Paul when he was imprisoned and uncertain of his future. Yet facing death, and with a physical ailment that caused him pain, Paul repeatedly encouraged the Philippians to rejoice.

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy,

Phil 1:3-4

Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all

Phil 2:17

Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord. For me to write the same things to you is not tedious, but for you it is safe.

Phil 3:1

Rejoice in the Lord always – I will day it again, rejoice!

Phil 4:4

The choice is mine. Dwell on what I can’t do, what I don’t have – or find joy anywhere and everywhere.

I choose joy. I choose life.