9 years ago today, I went to the ER with such severe back pain that I couldn’t walk, couldn’t sit, and the 2 rounds of IV pain meds they gave me barely took the edge off.

Since that day – I’ve been disabled. I spent the next 9 months begging doctors for answers. I’ve been largely bedridden most of these years – I had my drivers license suspended for a while because I had cognitive issues, I used a wheelchair for several years (still do once in a blue moon), and I’ve taken more meds and supplements than you can imagine (at one point I was taking 68 pills a day + 2 or 3 IVs + numerous liquid remedies), I had picc lines for 4 years (for IV) and have had countless injections (mostly done by my husband, who should be considered a qualified nurse by now).

The hardest part about being sick (aside from the fact that it sucks) is admitting that I can’t do what I used to be able to do.

It feels like defeat. It feels like failure. It feels like weakness.

But it’s not any of those.

I would love to be well again – I miss working, I miss kayaking and hiking – I miss just sitting at the table playing games with my kids.

I’m not well yet. But if I’m gonna compare how I’m doing right now – it’s not fair (to myself) to compare my current state of health to the best health I’ve ever had.

The comparison has to be to where I was 9 years ago today. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t sleep. I was crying from the pain. I was throwing up from the pain.

I’ve come a long way. I have to manage my world differently now – but I’m improving and I have hope.

Hope let’s me wake up every day looking forward to a better life. Hope let’s me rest when the sickness is too much because I know it’s temporary.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

I can’t tell you how many times my heart has been sick because I lost hope. It’s such an empty feeling. I’ve seen others who just can’t take the pain and suffering anymore. There’s nothing anyone can say to encourage them.

The tree of life comes with fulfilled desire. Think about that – life becomes worth living when desire is fulfilled.

So the question I have is this – WHAT DO YOU DESIRE?

If I had spent the last 9 years desiring complete healing – I’d still be longing for that. What a sad way to live – waiting and wanting for something that doesn’t come.

Don’t get me wrong – I hope to be well some day. But that’s not the focus of my desires.

joy – peace – love – family – friendship

Those are my true desires. Those are the things for which I hope.

Hope is a choice. And when you’re sick – you have to choose it every day.