I listened to a podcast today with a couple of my favorite doctors who talked about how their patients can become so focused on being sick that they start to identify with their illness. It makes sense – we fight for years to find someone, anyone, who will take us seriously.

I have been disabled over 10 years. I used to do so much – work, volunteer, hike and kayak, write, play guitar and sing. All of these things were ways I could express who I am.

Oftentimes, people who have been chronically sick are limited in their ability to express themselves. And we change – I know I have – we don’t even know how to express this new version of ourselves. So when I think about going back to work or socializing the way I used to, it can feel a little scary.

Some of the things I’ve been diagnosed with:

• Borellia (Lyme)
• Babesia
• Bartonella
• Ehrlichiosis
• Brucellosis
• Lead toxicity
• Mold toxicity
• Mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS)
• Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS)
• Fibromyalgia
• Degenerative disc disease
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Chronic fatigue syndrome
• Cervical instability
• Psoriasis & exzema
• Psoriatic arthritis
• Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome (CIRS)

I can talk all day about these things! I’ve become an expert in how these conditions manifest in myself and want to help others find their way through their own battles.

But…

I am NOT my diagnosis’!

Who am I if I’m not focused on healing? who am I if I’m not overcoming sickness?

I’m still me at the core. But finding that self-expression looks different now than it did before.

I would love to go back to work some day – but I’m not sure I would (or should) ever go back to the high stress environments in which I used to thrive. In my career, I was a project manager and a safety specialist / investigator.

If I don’t go back to that, what do I do? That’s what I know. That’s what I’m good at.

That’s still me. That hasn’t changed.

In the podcast, the doctors discussed trying to find their patients super powers – the strengths they can use to help them overcome their sickness.

I’m still a project manager. I’m still an investigator. I’m just using those skills for a different purpose now.

I am trying to see this period of my life (being sick) as a stepping stone. I’m not to the other side yet so I don’t know what it will look like in the future – but I have ideas of what I hope it will be.

I’d like more high quality family time – time talking and laughing, experiencing life together. Whether it’s camping, walking on the beach, playing games, watching movies, or making a meal together – I just want more of all of it.

I’d like to socialize more with friends as well – sharing food, playing music, talking about life’s challenges and joys.

I’d like to be active in my community – helping others learn to live well and engaging in our local politics and social issues.

I’d like to help people who are struggling with their own life battles. Whether that’s praying with them, teaching, writing, or helping them find their own path to healing – I don’t know exactly – I just hope my experiences will help someone else find their own strengths – their super powers.